How is it possible to love someone unquestionably one day and then leave them hanging out to dry and rot in hell the next? A piece of me has died and the pain is excruciating. I hate that I have to refer to my best friend in past tense. Like the devil himself ripped him out from my grip.

Laughing and sharing the most intimate moments one day and then disintegrating in trenches the next? At what moment did you decide to stop caring?At what moment did the reality of throwing our love away become a good idea? I hope you’re proud. You’ve managed to destroy something so pure. So real. So special. And for what? For your chance at solitary? I never knew that you were so damn selfish. Who’s going to help you recover from your self made ditch?

You make me feel alive. It’s what you said. How was I supposed to know it would be the biggest lie, unless, you’re laying there decomposing as I sit here and cry.

I’ve never been met with such pain and I pray that you aren’t feeling what I am feeling. To wish this pain on someone is wicked . To cause this pain is cruel.

It’s on everyone’s mind. Who do we believe? Is it worth it? Who’s fault is it? How long before it happens to me?

With the recent terrorism attacks… people are at their vulnerability peak.

Some using their fight vs flight response while others are just simply stuck in fright mode. This is my biggest fear… that I will get caught up in being paranoid and waste time wondering if there is anything I can do to change this. Is there anything I can do? Yes. There is absolutely something you can do to change your attitude. Perspective. How do you view things in your current state? Can you see any good coming from it, can you inhale the problems and exhale solutions?

Got up … Exhausted… Sleep deprived and well hungover… Not my typical Easter morning ritual…
The kids had to be dressed and we had obviously already missed the traditional sunrise service at the park. We hustled and bustled our way out the door finally
(not until after we had to pick up the whole bag of split kettle corn off the ground, twice,yes twice) and of course remembered to place my mobile order of medicinal caffeine at Starbucks. On our way to the park the kids were actually peaceful and didn’t have to swat blindly behind me to stop them from hitting each other . Smooth ride. (pause…so grateful for quiet car rides)
As I pull into the parking lot I begin to notice several other families making their way to claim their land, I felt as though I had a sudden flashback to the 1800’s when land was being invaded by foreigners forcing the natives to find new territory, new life … Pause… We are so blessed.
We made our way out and laid our blankets down on the grass noticing that everyone around us had on their Sunday best and quite possibly new Easter outfits… the kids took notice and even suggested we take pictures and even suggested good picture taking spots.
(again,pause, new clothes, such a privilege)
The kids ran free after taking their shoes off and frolicked in the grass in what seemed to be perfect Easter weather.So here we are at the park, joining our loved ones in remembrance of a man who rose from the dead.The day when Jesus conquered death. The day LOVE conquered all… the day the veil was torn…the day new hope was born and the day peace was restored among us.
(pause…breath…peace was given to me, not a peace this world can give,but only a peace that can be felt through every thread of my being… )

I then read some devastating news..more that 60 dead in Pakistan in a park just like us… this morning… Christians…stepping out in faith to celebrate the very reason we were celebrating ….killed by a suicide bomber…targeted because they believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead so that we may live…so that we may live in freedom…(can we seriously pause… )
This news shattered me…broke me… I have taken so much of my freedom for granted.
It is not only a right I have as a citizen of the United States to worship freely in a public space but my privilege as a Christian to live in freedom. To live free from persecution and judgement because Jesus delight’s in showing mercy, and mercy triumphs over judgement. I am so Thankful for God’s Mercy… So grateful for freedom and safety..grateful that my kids can frolic in nice green grass and breathe in fresh air. Grateful for a job that allows me to provide for my kids. Grateful for people who genuinely care and go out of their way to make it known. Grateful for health…grateful for life, liberty and the freedom to pursue happiness…
Easter 2016
“With his own blood…he entered the Most Holy Place once for all time and secured our redemption forever.” (Hebrews 9:12 NLT)

– Rest in peace brothers and sisters from Pakistan…May your families rest assured that there is a special place in heaven that has received you.
That Paul’s words comfort them and all of us impacted by this tragedy for us, yet victory in Heaven.

” For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain”

I’d like to start this off by introducing myself.

I am Laura..some call me Louda, not because I’m loud but because some of my friends wanted to pronounce my name “right” or in “Spanish” like my parents would.I live to love anyone and everyone whom I come into contact with. I LOVE to LOVE… sometimes getting hurt by loving a little too much but wouldn’t change anything about the way God has made my heart…My heart… it’s a vulnerable thing and for the most part hangs on my sleeve, exposed for anyone who sees me.

I have three amazingly smart kids. Twin boys(age 5) named Lucas and Elias who have a huge chunk of my heart and a strong willed little girl named Amelia(age 3) who also takes up another chunk. These little humans are teaching this mom so many lessons about life by the minute. I wish I could say that I have done everything right for them but that would be a huge lie…I do try my best, sometimes…I feel like I have had one too many “Netflix” nights,okay days, with them.

One more paragraph about me and that’s it. I promise,maybe. I think, I don’t know, but maybe I could be one of the most indecisive people I have ever known and for that reason, I wanted to start this… I journal often and like to share my thoughts every once in while on social media and without fail, get messaged by someone to thank me for sharing and inspiring them. I really question how I could inspire someone. Like, seriously? ME?I’m just your average girl who happens to be a single mother, with no degree who is flawed to say the least.I am your stereotypical weak,emotional, overly-sensitive, dramatic woman…. However, I have said that I would start a blog and one of my resolutions this year is to follow through.

Not even sure if I will inspire anyone with this….moms, Christians,runners,foodies, Netflix addicts,Broadway fans, Hispanics, humans… not sure ?! Perhaps nobody will even read this. What I do know is that sometimes I get lonely and when I write, I somehow feel connected to another world.

This year I have vowed to challenge myself spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and even academically. It will be hard but well worth it.

Until next time:)